don't let the bastards get you down...

...or how I almost called 9-1-1 on an unsuspecting delivery guy:

It's been a bad week - one full of bad news, stress, and Things That Need to be Taken Care Of. I planned to deal with it by eating a lot of cake.

Then, yesterday afternoon, someone pounded on the front door. It was not a friendly knock. It was scary pounding. And seeing that I work from home and was not expecting any deliveries, I was certainly not inclined to open the door to scary pounding. I really didn't need to add Abducted to the list of crappy things that happened to me this week. I thought I'd ignore the knocking and the uninvited visitor would just leave. But he kept pounding. And I got scared.

Luckily, I have a very effective Two Dog Alarm System. As I was cowering behind the dining room table, cell phone in hand, the alarm system activated. Banjo has the ability to puff himself up to the approximate size of a grizzly bear, with fangs to match. His bark may or may not cause unsuspecting visitors a loss of bladder and/or bowel control.

The guy kept pounding. Banjo was MAD and Banjo told him so.

Then the guy made a phone call, which I overheard as "...the property on ---- Street, shit! There are dogs here!"

Then I got really scared. Had the guy been casing the joint? Would he dare break in with the dogs here? Was this a home invasion? (Do I overreact much?) The door knob rattled. I considered calling 9-1-1. Banjo kept barking.

And then, finally, the guy left. Banjo came over to comfort me! "I scared the guy, Mom! I did my job!"

GOOD DOG! You saved Mama from being thrown into a white van and taken away.

After 15 minutes, my heart stopped pounding and I hoped the guy was really gone. I peered out the front door, hoping he had just left a campaign flyer or something (but knowing it wasn't - even those guys don't knock that much and they usually run scared as soon as the Two Dog Alarm System activates). I didn't see anything. But then, I did. It was...

THE BIGGEST BOUQUET I'D EVER SEEN. WHAAA?!!

So yeah. Banjo protected me from...flowers.

The prettiest most cheerful flowers ever, a bouquet so big, I can't even put it on my dining table because it won't fit beneath the pendant lights!




Thanks, Larry! After recovering from my near cardiac arrest, you totally made my day.

Obviously, the best part was the gift message:

Just imagining Larry on the phone with the florist (who he said was an elderly lady) ordering the flowers cracks me up:

Old Lady: Would you like to include a gift message with that?
Larry: Sure. It should say "Don't let the bastards get you down."
Old Lady: ....
Old Lady: Anything else?
Larry: "Love, Larry"

I especially love that she capitalized 'Bastards.'

Don't let the Bastards get you down. I'll be carrying this advice with me for a while.

(Also, sorry Flower Delivery Guy. I hope you had a clean pair of shorts in your van.)