Thursday, October 25, 2012

don't let the bastards get you down...

flowers
...or how I almost called 9-1-1 on an unsuspecting delivery guy:

It's been a bad week - one full of bad news, stress, and Things That Need to be Taken Care Of. I planned to deal with it by eating a lot of cake.

Then, yesterday afternoon, someone pounded on the front door. It was not a friendly knock. It was scary pounding. And seeing that I work from home and was not expecting any deliveries, I was certainly not inclined to open the door to scary pounding. I really didn't need to add Abducted to the list of crappy things that happened to me this week. I thought I'd ignore the knocking and the uninvited visitor would just leave. But he kept pounding. And I got scared.

Luckily, I have a very effective Two Dog Alarm System. As I was cowering behind the dining room table, cell phone in hand, the alarm system activated. Banjo has the ability to puff himself up to the approximate size of a grizzly bear, with fangs to match. His bark may or may not cause unsuspecting visitors a loss of bladder and/or bowel control.

The guy kept pounding. Banjo was MAD and Banjo told him so.

Then the guy made a phone call, which I overheard as "...the property on ---- Street, shit! There are dogs here!"

Then I got really scared. Had the guy been casing the joint? Would he dare break in with the dogs here? Was this a home invasion? (Do I overreact much?) The door knob rattled. I considered calling 9-1-1. Banjo kept barking.

And then, finally, the guy left. Banjo came over to comfort me! "I scared the guy, Mom! I did my job!"

GOOD DOG! You saved Mama from being thrown into a white van and taken away.

After 15 minutes, my heart stopped pounding and I hoped the guy was really gone. I peered out the front door, hoping he had just left a campaign flyer or something (but knowing it wasn't - even those guys don't knock that much and they usually run scared as soon as the Two Dog Alarm System activates). I didn't see anything. But then, I did. It was...

THE BIGGEST BOUQUET I'D EVER SEEN. WHAAA?!!
flowers
So yeah. Banjo protected me from...flowers.

The prettiest most cheerful flowers ever, a bouquet so big, I can't even put it on my dining table because it won't fit beneath the pendant lights!
flowers
flowers
flowers
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Thanks, Larry! After recovering from my near cardiac arrest, you totally made my day.

Obviously, the best part was the gift message:
flowers
Just imagining Larry on the phone with the florist (who he said was an elderly lady) ordering the flowers cracks me up:

Old Lady: Would you like to include a gift message with that?
Larry: Sure. It should say "Don't let the bastards get you down."
Old Lady: ....
Old Lady: Anything else?
Larry: "Love, Larry"

I especially love that she capitalized 'Bastards.'
flowers
Don't let the Bastards get you down. I'll be carrying this advice with me for a while.

(Also, sorry Flower Delivery Guy. I hope you had a clean pair of shorts in your van.)

8 comments:

Pickles and Dimes said...

So awesome. Too bad the delivery guy couldn't have announced his presence. :)

Sarah said...

Beautiful flowers! Good job, Larry. :)

I hope your week is getting better. I can totally relate. Maybe this week is just a doozy for everyone.

VV said...

Beautiful and thoughtful flowers! Sorry to hear about your crappy week. Perhaps some inspiration for a things that are not awesome poster?




Jennifer said...

Glad to hear Gravy did his part, too. LOL- why are greyhounds such lame guard dogs?? I was in my house about 7 years ago, napping upstairs with Lucy and Clifford, and heard the door bang. Of course I jolted awake and then listened as someone walked around the whole downstairs of the house, back and forth. Lucy and Clifford didn't even wake up!!!! I almost had a heart attack! Thankfully it was just my Dad stopping by to say hello (whew) but... WTH greyhounds??

Jen

smstokesbury said...

Sorry to hear you had such a bad week! What happened?

Funnelcloud Rachel said...

Jen - HA! Maybe I should call it my One and a Half Dog Alarm System. Gravy checked out the situation and...wagged his tail? Greyhounds are the WORST guard dogs! Also, I would've DIED if I heard footsteps in my house. My mom read this post and said I should get a GUN. A GUN! What the...?! So I could, what, SHOOT THE DELIVERY GUY?!

Kelly said...

I was pretty sure that I liked Larry before, but it is now solidified. That dude rocks. (And f the bastards.)

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