the headless squirrel

Sigh.

Another day, another dead animal in the backyard, another haiku (or six). What luck that decapitation has five syllables!

More backyard drama:
Banjo has a bloody beard.
A headless squirrel.

Just another day 
in the Smoellke backyard. The
body count is high.

Two dogs, one body.
At least it wasn't a fox.
Stop killing things, jerks!

Another squirrel.
And what happened to its head?
Decapitation.

"The head is torn off!"
Larry investigated.
"Want to see a pic?"

Yummy squirrel brains.
A backyard delicacy.
Banjo licks his chops.

another one bites the dust

Our yard has been teeming with wildlife this spring and summer. There's a family of foxes - including two baby foxes, who we often see romping and rolling in our yard on weekend mornings. I haven't been able to get a picture of them, but fox kits are just about the cutest things I've ever seen. Gravy and Banjo disagree. I'm surprised they haven't broken a window in their rage that these critters are playing in their yard! I've seen the vixen almost every day over the pasts few weeks, too. And the bunnies! SO MANY BUNNIES. Bunnies, bunnies, everywhere.

I've watched three bunnies zip around our yard chasing each other, and then witnessed two of them doing unspeakable things in the bushes. (Making more bunnies!) I've watched tiny baby bunnies - some the size of hamsters, some the size of guinea pigs, hopping across our patio on a daily basis. They are fearless and clueless and sometimes get within two feet of me. I've tried to scare them off to prevent bloodshed. With a greyhound and a coonhound constantly patrolling our backyard, I suppose it was only a matter of time before the inevitable occurred. I only wish it hadn't happened right in front of me!

Unfortunately, it's time for more haikus.

Dear Rabbits, I tried
to warn you about the beasts.
Our yard is not safe.

Why do you come here?
Two eighty pound dogs wait to
kill you with their mouths. 

Hippity hopping
Baby bunnies everywhere
No sense of danger.

From flat dog to fast 
dog. Gravy is built for speed.
Zero to fifty.

Greyhound on the loose.
Run bunny, run for your life! 
Oh no, you're too slow!

Lounging on my chair,
drinking a beer. Gravy runs.
Baby bunny dies.

A flash of red fur,
Gnashing teeth in the flowers.
RIP bunny.

In a split second
Gravy runs, grabs, and kills it.
Apex predator.

A murderous scene
Happens in my own backyard
Cold-blooded killer.

There's fur in his teeth
Now he has a taste for blood
Let's catch another!

Scream bloody murder.
That was me yelling at dogs.
Please don't call the cops.

Yard full of babies.
So tiny and sweet. Gravy
chews on bunny meat.

A summer's evening.
Peaceful, calm. Interrupted
by canine killers.

Mother Nature, so
cruel. I did not need a
front row seat for that.

Woke up the next day.
More baby bunnies in the
yard. They never learn.

RIP to the furry dead thing in my yard

This is Peter 'Death Wish' Cottontail, who came hippity hopping down our front path every day this summer

 to stand in front of our glass door munching on weeds and tormenting our dogs.

It's haiku time! It's been a while since I had to write one of these. This time, Banjo got in on the action. I don't think he killed it. Somehow he was just lucky enough to find a dead thing.

Looked outside to see
Nat Geo in my backyard:
Dog eating carcass.

A furry dead thing!
In Banjo's jaws. Why, dog, why?
He rips off a chunk.

Bloody matted fur
Happy Friday the thirteenth,
Unlucky critter.

Legs dangling from mouth
I screamed and Banjo dropped it
Why mom? It tastes good.

What the f*** is that?
Bunny? Squirrel? Or possum?
Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.

Hey momma, would you
Like a kiss from my death lips?
Banjo likes dead things.

Come home soon, Larry
Now you have a job to do
Shovel, bag, trash can.

put a (dead) bird on it

Usually whenever nature takes its course in our yard, a haiku is written to honor the deceased prove how f*ed my brain is. So far there have been three squirrels who died at the hands jaws of Gravy, a fourth squirrel who randomly dropped dead on our front porch, and a slew of insects (and a shrew) that were chewed up and regurgitated by Banjo. (The crunchier, the better!)

Oh, and I found a skull in our laundry room once, but never wrote any poetry about that, maybe because I wasn't sure what species the skull belonged to. I'm thinking a mouse?

Anyway, I was having a fantastic day on Friday - gorgeous weather, lunch with friends - and in the afternoon decided to sit on the back porch to enjoy the sunshine and eat a cookie. That was when my good day came screeching to a halt thanks to a DEAD BIRD on our porch dining table. Pretty sure that's some kind of bad omen...

Tablescape, with dead bird.

Still, I couldn't resist:

Dead bird on table.
Hit the window, broken neck.
Dinner is now served!

Candle & dead bird
Make elegant tablescape.
D-I-Y, bitchez!

Farewell feathered friend.
Now you adorn our table.
#PutABirdOnIt.

My dear husband, your
'Honey Do' List got longer.
#PutSomeBleachOnIt

haiku by gravy #2

Squirrel, you run fast,

But not as fast as I do.

Caught ya! Now you're dead.

......................................................

This brings the tally to Gravy 3, Squirrels 0. Plus a fourth squirrel that just dropped dead on our front porch a few weeks ago. Evidently, our property is not a good place for squirrels to visit. Yet, the stupid squirrels continue to overlook the fact that two 80+ pound beasts patrol our backyard.

The incident happened while Larry was downstairs eating breakfast and I was upstairs still in bed. Larry let the dogs out and I was awakened by three barks in a pattern I call The Death Bark. I didn't hear Larry take action, so I yelled "Larry, check on that!" I heard him slowly get up, walk to the door, go outside..."Oh no!"

They say mothers can sense when their babies are crying - apparently, I can sense when my "babies" have killed something.

RIP squirrel.

haiku by gravy

Squirrel in my mouth
So furry and delicious
Crunch crunch go your bones.