Wednesday, August 1, 2012

sleep wars

We're not the best sleepers around here. I've written about my insomnia and my night-owl tendencies before. I've written about the fact that we've been sharing a double bed for nine years (and that we need a larger one STAT. No, we still haven't made a decision.*). These problems are exacerbated by the fact that once Larry falls asleep, there's a battle in our bed. These go beyond the typical couple fighting over the sheets. Unconscious Larry has a number of signature moves designed to make my sleeping experience as uncomfortable as possible:
THE SHEET BALL
I don't know how he does it, but when Larry gets too hot at night, he manages to remove all the bedding from the bed, roll it into a tight ball, and PUT IT ON TOP OF ME. Each night, the sheet ball seems to get bigger and bigger, perhaps because it is picking up stray socks and dirty laundry in its path?

THE WASHING MACHINE
This is an advanced technique for stealing the covers - just roll back and forth like the agitator in a washing machine until the sheets are removed from your partner. This method is much more subtle than the beginner's version of just ripping the sheets right off your partner with one yank. If you later get too hot because you have all the covers and your partner has none, roll them into The Sheet Ball and give them back to your partner. They'll appreciate your consideration (if they aren't suffocated or crushed to death).

THE DISAPPEARING PILLOW
Tutorial: Step 1 - Grab your partner's pillow. Step 2 - Yank it out from under their head. Step 3 - Place it under your own head. Now you have two pillows and they have none! (Alternate Step 3 - Throw your partner's pillow on the floor. Continue sleeping.)

THE HEAD SANDWICH
This move doesn't really bother me, but it is the reason behind The Disappearing Pillow trick. Larry's preferred sleeping position is with two pillows - one beneath his head and one on top of his head, with his face sandwiched in between. We've called this The Head Sandwich for years. Seems bizarre to me, but to each their own. Just keep your mitts off my pillow!

THE PILLOW SKINNING
On several occasions, I've caught Larry removing the pillowcase from his pillow in the middle of the night. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied "I'm skinning it."
THE POINTY KNEE
There are few creatures on this earth with pointier joints than my dear Larry. A swiftly placed knee joint in my spine typically results in temporary partial paralysis and/or screaming.

THE VELOCIRAPTOR
The sharpness of Larry's toenails rival the claws of a velociraptor. They feel especially sharp when they gouge into your Achilles' tendon. This move typically happens right as the victim (me) hits REM sleep.

Despite the pain, there's no one else I'd rather share a bed with than Larry. However, now you know why we need a BIGGER bed!

*Edited To Add: To clarify, we did decide that an inner-spring California King is the right mattress type/size for us. The reason we still haven't made the purchase is because now we can't decide on the furniture - bed frame, dressers, etc. Clearly, we suck at decision-making! Anyone know a skilled woodworker who could build us some bedroom furniture???

2 comments:

Brandi {not your average ordinary} said...

Sometimes, I think couples who slept in separate beds had the right idea. And now being single for as long as I have, I'm not sure I'd want to share my bed every night. That said, I've had a king size bed before and that was a HUGE help. With the behaviors you've described, a queen won't be big enough. Go with the king.

Karin said...

Get a king bed already! And get more pillows while you're at it! Oh, and an idea for the sheets issue...use two twin sheets, that way you can each have your own sheets. :)