Thursday, March 1, 2012

stupid things said to me by various medical professionals

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Phlebotomist (after drawing my blood): "Don't pass out in the parking lot!"
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Symptom: Itchy feet.
Doctor: "Maybe you have new socks."
Actual Diagnosis: Penicillin Allergy.
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Symptom: An ice pick in my eye.
Doctor: "Maybe you have an allergy."
Actual Diagnosis: Cluster Headaches.
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Doctor: "It could be a pancreatic tumor."
Thanks for not freaking me out.
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Location: Operating Room, 10 seconds before general anesthesia kicked in.
Surgeon: "Well, it's too late to turn back now!"
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Doctor leaves exam room, comes back with medical textbook, hands it to me.
Neurologist: "Read this. Does this sound like your symptoms?"
Me: "Yes."
Neurologist: "You're a textbook case!"
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Doctor: "I'm 99% certain that swimming will cure you."
It didn't.
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Nurse: "Do you do any (illicit) drugs?"
Me: "No. Do most people admit if they do?"
Nurse: "No. But sometimes they're high when they come in here."
(I should clarify that I was in the office of a prestigious hand surgeon, not the type of establishment where junkies would seek medical care.)
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Nurse: "Are you married?"
Me: "No."
Nurse: "Well, the doctor is very good looking."
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Doctor: "I won't lie. This test is extremely uncomfortable."
You mean it hurts like a mofo. Thanks for your honesty, doc.
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Doctor: "I can't find anything wrong with you."
(Pause)
Doctor: "I'd like to operate."
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Radiologist: "I can't seem to get the needle into your joint."
(Repeat this comment for the next 45 minutes.)
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Doctor: "All radiologists are clowns."
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Doctor: "I'll take you down to Slade's (a bar) for a few drinks. After that, you won't be afraid to put anything in your eye!"
Say WHAT?

6 comments:

Jane @ The Borrowed Abode said...

Is this for real?!

Karin said...

Doctors are so frustrating. One of my favorite lines from a doctor I saw is: "What would you like for me to prescribe for you?". Ummm, really, who's the doctor here?! I've had to see several doctors and have had numerous blood tests (I have a thyroid disease), and I have become increasingly skeptical of the intelligence and knowledge within the medical community.

Funnelcloud Rachel said...

Jane - YES, 100% true.

Karin - Ugh. I've had doctors say similar things "What do you want me to do?" or "I can't find anything wrong with you" when I'm clearly in pain. Isn't it the doctor's JOB to figure it out?! After numerous doctor visits (I have joint problems), I too am skeptical and feel I can get a more thorough diagnosis through WebMD!

Lauren Margaret said...

Oh my God, this is so funny and true and sad all at once! My problems have been mostly with nurses but the doctors can be awful, for sure.

Karen Travels said...

immediatly following epidural #1: "Well, I hope the next guy is fresher than me, I'm coming off a 24 hour shift."

I had to have 2 more before Brycen arrived.

Funnelcloud Rachel said...

OMG, Karen, I can't even imagine! Stupid things said by medical professionals during labor & delivery have got to be the absolute worst!