Tuesday, May 22, 2012

12 things I'll never wear

obx 2012
Rules are meant to be broken.

I don't discuss fashion much on this blog - probably because I since I work from home, I dress for comfort and not style. Also, because I don't think yoga pants are considered fashionable. But with all the the cute new clothes out for summer, I've been thinking about how to spruce up my wardrobe and get rid of the clothes in my closet that go unworn year after year.

There are some styles out there that I'll never wear and some things I wish I could wear, but have to accept they just don't work for me. What trends do you wish would just go away (for me it's anything with words printed on the butt) and what fashions do you wish you could wear but just don't work on you?

12 Things I'll Never Wear:

BELTED DRESSES
I wish I could wear these - they look so cute on the models in magazines, but are all wrong on my shape.

HIGH HEELS
Wanna see Rachel break her face? Make her walk in heels. I used to wear high heels - to work, for special occasions - and I love the way they look and make me feel, but then I had hip surgery and my joints went to shit. I gave up the high heels for good a few years ago. I miss their leg lengthening qualities, but I don't miss the pinched toes, the blisters, or the chance that I will make an ass out of myself falling down the stairs.

BALLET FLATS
The irony! I can't wear high heels, so you'd think ballet flats would be my saving grace. And oh, how I wish I could wear them! They look adorable, there's no heel to trip over, but no, ballet flats just will not stay on my feet. One step and they go flying right off. I'm imagining myself in a cute pair of ballet flats walking through DC, when WHAM!, my shoe flies off and hits an investment banker right in the chicken nuggets. That situation shall be avoided at all costs, so I think I'll stick with mary janes.

WRAP TOPS/DRESSES
There is a 100% chance of wardrobe malfunction should I try to stuff the girls into any sort of wrap top.

LIPSTICK
I wish I could wear lipstick, but every shade makes me look like a clown. I'm a lip gloss kind of girl, through and through.

PANTYHOSE/STOCKINGS
There are few things on this earth that I despise more than pantyhose. Clearly, the first problem is the word pantyhose which might be the most disgusting word ever invented. (As if the word panty wasn't bad enough, then you've got to stick the word hose on the end? Ewwww!) The second problem is pantyhose/stockings/ tights make my legs feel like they are suffocating. And since we're talking gross words, why is the crotch of the pantyhose (gag, ew) always down at your knees? I refuse to wear them. So uncomfortable. I'll commit a fashion faux pas and have bare legs, or I'll wear pants, but just say no to pantyhose. (I've hated tights since I was a wee tot, and finally my mom got sick of wrestling me and just let me wear fancy socks. Think I could pull that off now?)

BRIGHT EYE MAKE-UP
The purples and greens look great on everyone else, but on me? Clown face. This is why I own probably two dozen shades of taupe eyeshadow.

STRAPLESS DRESSES
Not flattering on me, plus the threat of wardrobe malfunction again (See Wrap Tops). Also, these require wearing a strapless bra which is the second worst invention after pantyhose.

PERFUME
I actually just don't like the smell of perfume. I'd rather smell like soap or lotion.

ANYTHING INVOLVING A SHELF BRA
A shelf bra? Seriously, is this a joke?

ALTERNATIVE SHADES OF NAIL POLISH
I wish I could get away with the pretty blues that everyone else is wearing, but whenever I give myself a blue manicure, I feel like a wannabe teenybopper. I've tried several shades of blues and none of them work. I am not 13 anymore, and I'm pretty sure these colors didn't work for me when I was 13. The other shade I can't do is neutrals/pale grays. I love the color gray for everything else (see my wardrobe, car, and walls in my house), but I once heard someone say that gray nail polish makes you "look like you are dead." So, I'll stick with reds, pinks, and purples, and gold/silver for special occasions. (Ok, I might break the rules occasionally - see teal manicure above. I've loved the color teal forever - regardless of whether it's in style. My first car was even teal - though that was in the mid 90's. Maybe I can get away with this at the beach?)

TUBE TOPS
Just no.

To all you chicks who rock the red lipstick and the stilettos, I salute you!

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